I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
