I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
