she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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