I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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