I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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