you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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