dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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