Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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