Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
