sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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