I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She's the barista slut.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
