just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
