I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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