Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
