You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
