I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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