Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
