Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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