Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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