thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
