My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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