shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
