i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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