I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
