where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
