There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
