dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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