worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
