the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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