...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
