i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm having to shit out rocks
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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