I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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