I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
