Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
stop calling my apartment porn island.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
