Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
