Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
