the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize