don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
