just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
