Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
