Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
