So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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