I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
