You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
