WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
