yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment