8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
