My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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