Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
