i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
