omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
please come you make the beer taste better
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
