I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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