We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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