two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
