Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
