I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
